Sunday, June 14, 2009
I feel so tired sometimes.. I dont know how can i do to tell you that i am sorry for the things i've done.
I pray that you will not become a Kang Zhu . I am feeling really insecure. 2 of my best friends have now told me that i deserve much better then this. They ask if it is worth it , and for this time around, i am finding it hard to justify my actions.
I have know Lailing since K2. We were play mates.. Many years passed after k2 and i only met her again during primary 5. My mum was sick at that time. Lailing came to my house and asked me to go attend her bday party. I was really shocked that she still remember where i stay all this while . I thought she shifted house already.
I later then realised that it was all a lie that my mum told , for me to stay away from Lailing when i was young because i was kinda hyper. There was a story why my mum told me the lie but i will keep it for another time.
After the party, we didnt keep in contact until i was sec 2. It was a friday and i was allowed to go home from boys town. Lailing happen to be on the same bus as i was, she saw me but couldnt confirmed it was me. I saw her and i didnt think it was her. I left it alone and sat behind.
Then only when i was sec 5; working at WMF selling pots and pans. She was shopping with her sister and her sis came up to me asking if i am benjamin. And voila, from there on we met regularly and renewed our friendship. It was after a month when i asked her out for movies.. I will always remember this day. I asked her out for a movie, and i requested for a very boyish show. She was ok with it, but i felt that i should have chosen a more neutral movie that day. Anyway, she came putting make up for the first time.. SO cute. Like china dolls. I think she put too much blusher... I told her about her make up when we got home. She got so shy and took it off.
Year one in poly and i was attached to her. She treated me really well. But as time passes. I think i took her for granted. I left things as it is and concentrated on my studies and archery. She persuded me look forward into the relationship. I always do empty promises never keeping them. She still waited. I felt so bad at one point in time that i wanted to break up with her so that she could look for nicer guys.
I think i hurt her feelings alot by doing that. I probably did that because i know that i will be doing archery alot . Told her face to face and she understood the importance of archery to me. She said she would still stand by and support me for archery but asked for some time for her. I was ok with that.
TIme passed and finally it is my 3rd year . I graduated and gotten my cert. The rubber band snapped. She could hold on much longer for me doing Archery and not spending time with her. It was just as i had more time , no more school, lesser archery. I told myself that i would spend more time with her.
Whcn the rubber band snapped , things were in a turmoil. We both were very hurted. Lots of sleepless nights and some fighting. We always manage to pull through it but this time round , it feels different. It doesnt feel as though i have control over it already. It feels like it has lost hope. I love her alot, and i just want to tell her that. I would like her to understand and let me take the lead once more. This relationship should be life giving , and not energy draining. I really hope we can make things work.
Posted by dear benji at 7:34 PM