Friday, September 22, 2006
to: J
hi ,
this is in reply for you blog. Though you never said you wanted any reply to it. i felt a strong need to express how i feel abt you and your ideas , wait not your ideas, but your perception of life.
you feel empty and that core.. that core feels empty, it has constantly to be filled by "love, friends, events, god" c'mon, you're so busy to even sit down and think for a moment ; intergrate how you're really feeling. I find a common trend in you and your words. "God, love", makes up your most-used-words. Ever thought why you're doing that? ever thought why?
we were close during sec 2,3 and ending of sec 3, we weren't as close as before, till even now. you ever thought why? i made a choice to not be so close, because i dun wanna get hurt dude. you call and i have to be there for you, and when i call you were there, but not the kind of help i want to get. i feel that you're a bit too emo and i dun wanna be there for you whenever you're in that state. i feel used. yeah, used.. it suz, at first i thought "woah, shes calling me and pouring out the problems ; hows shes feeling" i felt honoured, because i like you. i thought that being there for you may helped in "bonding" between us.. connection perhaps. but NO. . . i'm not a counselor that'll be there for you. i'm not trained. i'm not saying you can't pour you feelings onto me , i can help you hold your feelings but after awhile if it keeps on happening, everytime you have a problem you talk to me or lets put it in this way. You contact me only when you have a problem, i mean what is that. What type of relationship is that.... i can hold some of your feelings but only up to a certain limit. and there i was, i just snapped. You might not feel anything wrong because i never fucking told you that i like you. THAT WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE. 4 years now, erm... nope we're friends for opps, yar 4yrs and i still feel "USED". you get me... i hope i'm clear , "I FEEL USED".
Now, after a long time of shallow contact, you suddenly sms me and say hey.. we shld meet up someday. i am like boy, what happened? i felt as though it was christmas but also i feel absurd. Absurd because after such a long time you didn't keep in close contact and all of a sudden you just popped out like that. poof!! you might not know, but you keep friends according to your needs and i dun want that. i'm not someone who you could used. Now, at this point , i am feeling fucked up, so i may say nasty stuff that may be offensive to you. just caution a little there.
i feel you're a flirt. you dun know what the fuck you want. you just want things. how many guys have passed your life and how many of them have you treated them nothing but instruments? you come up with things like , "oh, thank you so much for being there for me" , "i dunno what to do without you". well, i know you did that to me, i hope you remember. you need to grab life by it's balls and know what you want, who you like, start taking care on those words you use; you may lead a guy astray there.
you always said you love your friends and you love god. i am starting to think if it is really literally that case. Or is it just another of your body mechanisim trying to cope with that "EMPTYNESS?". Let me tell you that everyone in each point of there lives do feel empty, you're not the only one. stop lying to yourself and everyone. start being a little concious. start by knowing what you want.
i know all these stuff are none of my business but i can't help but to comment. it's your life and you handle it, you take the driving seat and steer it whatever or however you what to. i like you still and lets just see how things go.
i know that i shld have told you face to face bout this but sorry, i can't bring myself to say this in front of you. i'm a fucking coward. i had to do this behind a screen. If chance brings you to this entry of mine than good. if it does not reach to you than ugh, it's ok still. At least i manage to vent some frustration out and i feel better.
Let's give each other a chance.. dun kill it. if you read this, tag? ok.. so that i know.
Posted by dear benji at 1:44 AM